Stop 3 of 4 countries, Kuala Lumpor, Malaysia!
Woke up and worked for a few hours. Was on a call with a client. Lost track of time and was like, “Shit, I gotta go!” I had 20 minutes to shower, pack, check out, and catch a taxi to meet Caroline for brunch before my flight. After brunch we took a taxi together towards the airport. She had something weird growing on her face and wanted to be dropped off at the hospital. My taxi driver had suspicious eyes and it made me feel on edge. But I made it to the airport without any issues.
As I’m waiting to get my passport stamped at immigration, one of the guards points down at the ground and tells me “moo lie.” I’m like, “What?” He was trying to say “move to a new line.” Uh, ya, missed crucial sounds in those words to make it understandable like a vvvvv and nnnnnn. No, you lie!
I ordered a coconut banana smoothie while waiting to board cuz that’s what fat cows do. Nom nom nom. I go to sip it and I’m distracted by instacrack and miss my straw. Spill that shit all down the front of me like a child. Spilling a white smoothie on a black jacket is so special. Gawd dammit, I have no clean clothes so I looked like a slob all the way to Kuala Lumpur. Fuck it, own it like it’s a fashion statement! Haha
I never saw a gas station in Malaysia. Just soda bottles filled with yellow liquid that they pour into their motorbikes. I hope that’s not how they fill up the airplane. Could be why the flight is delayed. Lol
On our descent into Kuala Lumpur, we hit some pretty decent turbulence that shook the plane like a lil rag doll and lots of oh shit faces appeared. I was like…ooo, ooo doing it again! Haha. The flight attendant went down the aisle of the plane spraying some aerosol that smelt like cat piss and cheap perfume. Wtf.
Some wet wipes leaked in my bag and now I smell like a giant diaper.
I took Uber cuz it’s the safest way to get around, especially when I didn’t do enough research on the transportation beforehand. Oops. After an hour drive, I arrived in a middle of a pile of skyscrapers and that’s where the fun begins. I was told that my room key is in a black box that the guard has. Ooo, it’s like a scavenger hunt!
They didn’t understand what I was talking about so I show them the text from the Airbnb host. They look under their desk and looked surprised that there was indeed a black box under it. “This box?” I’m like, well, are there any other boxes? No? Then that’s the box. Lol.
So this black box has a combo lock on it. Yey. And they gave me the wrong combo. So I’m sitting there like a dumbass trying to open the combo. I use my problem-solving skills and I’m like, fuck the lock, I can just open the box a crack and pull the key out! They seem very confused by what I’m doing but just gawked at me in confused awe. Next, I have to go up one level on the elevator, climb some stairs and then go up another elevator to my desired floor. I’m then greeted by this hallway of prison doors. Ooo, funsies! I open the lock to the prison door and walk into the room I’ll be staying in for the next week. I immediately see a cockroach who must die! But other than that, the place was otay.
Went over to a restaurant mall across the street. Had a burger. It was kinda gross. I said I only wanted a lil sauce and it must have been opposite day cuz they piled on an assload of sauce. Tried wiping some of it off with the sad excuse for napkins that I’ve seen all over Asia. Basically thin toilet paper that stuck to the burger and then I had to pick that shit off.
Got 10 hours of sleep then woke and worked 3 hours. Strolled over to the restaurant mall in hopes of finding something less sucky than last night’s burger bullshit. But nope.
Went to “Hometown Hianan Coffee” and ordered what looked like a rice noodle soup with chicken on the side. The soup ended up tasting like a fishy diaper. No joke, I was like, maybe my taste buds are jacked and I didn’t taste it right, so I tried the soup a few more times. Still tastes like a fishy flavored diaper. And, no, I haven’t actually eaten a diaper in case you’re wondering, ya weirdo.
The chicken on the side wasn’t bad but I kept crunching on lil pebble-sized chunks of bone, ahh! I ended up going to the 7-Eleven and getting a radioactive-looking Mountain Dew and some cookies to drown out the fishy diaper aftertaste. It took the whole bottle and two boxes of cookies before I got rid of the “Flava Flave”. There is a Starbucks across the street. Prolly going to be living off shitty croissants for the next week.
The culture here in the city is much different than the last two countries. There are quite a few Indians. The Muslim religion is the main one and then Hindu for the Indian folks. The traffic is ok. And we are back to left side of the road driving. Gawd damn, China right, Thailand left, Cambodia right, Malaysia left. Make up your fucking minds, people. Lol
Ended up back at the Airbnb and worked the rest of the day on a babysitting app for a client and blog shiz
Woke up to it being hot as balls in my room. Who the fuck turned off my AC?! I stumble to the bathroom and the light doesn’t work either. Yey. Power is out. The Airbnb owners call maintenance and apparently the humans were on it. Gets fixed in 10 minutes. Ninja speed! Yey, I can be lazy for a few more hours! Today is another work ‘n’ chill day. Tomorrow I’m hoping to rent a scooter and go to a few awesome destinations.
Omg, I found a place that has chai lattes, at Closer Kitchen & Espresso Bar! I’m coming here every day! I ordered this salmon cheese and spinach thinger baked in a croissant. It was excellent. I haven’t seen anything traditional except for yesterday’s fishy diaper so not all that excited to try the local food.
Went back and trolled social media for the afternoon. Then went out again. Decided to try Starbucks. Imma sucker for salted caramel ice cream, which they had, so I order one of those. Turned out that it prolly was sitting there for months freezing and thawing multiple times. It had freezer burn and was half melted. Literally ate 3 spoonfuls. The caramel congealed at the bottom with this weird icy texture. Cost me $2.80 for that damn thing. That’s $.60 a bite. Starbucks is ripping people off in every country! Lol
I decided to hunt down something a wee better than that sadness. Walked into the food mall where I had 2 gross ass meals already. There’s gotta be something that does not taste like balls here. Ended up walking right into a movie set that was happening in the middle of the mall. It said no photos or videos on a sign, but Shelly is a rebel and took both.
Then I found a French bakery with a big matcha green tea cake that I stared awkwardly at and possibly drooled over. Imma phatty at heart but I can’t eat that whole damn cake. Sadness. So I opted for a croissant and matcha green tea smoothie! Both were delicious! Yey, I found another place to eat at!
I worked on a website for a friend the rest of the evening and showed him a rough landing page. He liked it. Yey!The owner of the condo, Asraf, came home cuz he has to work. His wife was at the hospital ready to pop out a child at any moment. He’s very friendly and let me borrow his really nice Vespa for a few days!
I found out he’s an architect and so is his wife. My first career was architecture, so we chatted a wee bit about it. He gave me some advice on places to see nearby.
Sleep. Ok, not really…Netflix addiction and then sleep.
Woke up and headed for the Vespa. Wanted to drive it to the cafe cuz I knew where it was at and needed to practice driving on the left side before I hit the freeway. Well, the design on the parking garage is ass backwards. I’m up 2 floors and try to go down two floors to the street level. I drive up and down those two floors for like 30 minutes trying to find the damn exit. There were multiple gates on each floor with no common sense way to get out. Wtf. I asked the condo owner how the hell to get out. Apparently, you need to go up 2 floors to the secret exit that spits you out to a guard station. And after I complain about the lovely design I find out that his boss designed the building. Shit. Lol. The good news is I got some good practice riding the Vespa and getting used to how it handles before I hit the ass backward streets of Malaysia.
Whenever I drive in foreign countries, I put on my headphones, lock and load Google, hope it works, and blindly follow the directions her highness tells me. I had to stop a few times to double check the directions. I made multiple wrong turns and waited for the bitch to recalculate. When I got on the freeway my helmet was catching flight as it was windy as fuck. I drove like an old grandma with my head down trying to get to a butterfly park. I ended up finding the bird park instead. It’s on my list, so fuck it, let’s do this.
It’s mostly cloudy which doesn’t make for great photos and the majority of them turn out like shit. There were a few glimpses of sunshine. I fed some koi, got up in a few peacocks’ grills for dem videos ‘n’ photos, and fed some cute lil parrots! Oh, and I handfed a cassowary. Not sure if y’all know what that is, but it’s known to disembowel humans with its claws. It’s the size of an ostrich and has a very vibrant colored and beautiful head. My best friend Tamber and I hiked through the Australian rainforest in 2006. They had warning signs posted all around for the cassowary birds. Luckily we didn’t see any. Anywho, I survived the handfeeding but squealed like a prepubescent lil boy. I managed to not get shat on the whole time at the bird park! #iwin
A lot of the butterflies would land on the ground. Ya need be careful where ya walk or ya might murder some. I also attempted to video a butterfly pissing cuz I’m special. But it was a lot of piss, like a full minute of pissing! I’m sweating like a pig and there are girls in full black burkas walking around. How the fuck do they not pass out?I asked a friendly local how to get to the botanical gardens and it was literally across the street from the bird park. Another friendly guy comes over for a chat while I’m sitting on the Vespa and straight away asks how old I am, if I’m married. Dayum, son, how ‘bout asking my name first? I tell him my age and that I’m not married cuz I give zero fucks. And then he’s like, “Oh, you’re not married? That’s why you are traveling alone.” Uh, no, I’m alone cuz I wanna be. Marriage is for tax benefits. And I don’t want a bunch of fugly Oompa Loompas to take care of for the next 20 years.
I’m asked if I’m married quite often and half the time I’m then asked “Why not?” Awkward yet pointless question to answer. I need to come up with something clever to say. Got something sassy for me to say? I’ve never had anyone back home ask me if I’m married. Cuz that shit is creepy AF. Lol
I thought I saw an alligator floating down the river…so I ran towards it…nope, just some big ass lizard. Boo. I managed to get in the way of multiple wedding shoots going on in the gardens though. I also watched a bunch of dudes in crispy white shirts get filmed doing cheesy dance moves. I think they are making a music video. The gardens were nice but clouds of doom rolled in and photos turned out like a pile of drab shit. I headed back to the condo. Managed to drive on the wrong side of the road only once.
Asraf took me to eat some traditional Malay food. Teh Tarik (sweat tea), coconut shake, nasi lemak (fat rice), tongkengayam (chicken asshole), and some normal BBQ chicken wings. We then took a drive around town and I took a few photos of the buildings in the area.
Went to a new cafe and ordered a waffle cuz that shit seems safe right? Some of the food has been making my stomach feel like goblins are raving in there.
Then walked a block further and found a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Order chai latte. Tastes like exactly Coffee Bean chai’s! Yey
Went to IKEA to see how different it is in an Asian country. I noticed more super cheap pieces of furniture mixed in with the typical IKEA jazz I see back home. There were a ton dishes and other random kitchen things that had cheesy flowers on them. I saw a bunch of oddly shaped dishes that must be for foods that we don’t eat in the US. Even saw some fat ceramic spoons, which I don’t understand why those are more efficient than metal. I’m surprised to see a large wine glass section since most people here are Muslim and don’t believe in drinking. I’m not sure why I’m doing a review of the IKEA store in Malaysia but I think it’s interesting to learn about culture without being weird.
Every time I go to the 7-Eleven I like to confuse the cashier with math! For example, my shit costs 7.40 ringgit and I give them 13.00 ringgit. They give me this confused face like I did the math wrong and I have to whip out my fingers and count on them to make sure I can still do math too. Lol. Then I explain to them that I should get 5.00 ringgit back. Then they see the light and are like ohhh! I don’t think it’s common for people to do this here cuz I get the oddest looks every time. But I still do it cuz… math, use it or lose it. I’m down to counting on my fingers. I’ve almost “lost it.” 😜
The main cave with a temple in it was disappointingly disgusting. Garbage everywhere and smelled strongly of human shit. There were people cleaning the caves of all bottles and trash, which make me think that people are throwing an enormous amount of trash daily. How hard is it to bring your damn water bottle back down the stairs, ya lazy fuckers! Gawd damn. The temple looks to be Hindu, which was surprising since it’s a mostly Muslim country. I took some photos and attempted some time lapses but one of them I missed pushing the GO button and others turned out like shit. The lighting was crap and difficult to get a solid photo.
I bought a ticket for the Dark Cave for 35 ringgit and sat on a bench to wait for my tour. I whipped out my croissant that I bought at the delicious French bakery with the big ass matcha green tea cakes that I wanted to stuff in my face. Apparently, it’s owned by Koreans and run by Malaysian Chinese. Lol.
Anywho, a beady-eyed lil asshole was eyeing up my precious… a croissant. I walked away. The little fucker didn’t like that and lunges at me. She lands on my back and I’m not giving up my precious to a fucking bully so I spin in a circle as fast as I can and end up flinging the lil temple rat off my back into a sea of humans who all say ahhhhhh in unison. Lol. Not sure why I was soo determined to eat all of muh fucking croissant. The lil asshat was determined to get my croissant and comes back for round two and is about to lunge again. I’m like, “Fuck this shit!” and shove the whole thing in my mouth and then like a child go “Nana, I win”! She looked defeated and walks away. One point Shelly, zero points temple rat.I’ve been in a few dark caves. But this one had some special creatures unique to this cave. My favorite is the flatworm, cuz it has regenerative properties and can be cut in half to generate two flatworms. Apparently, they can do this multiple times in a row. The tour guide said that scientists are eating that shit up cuz they are trying to harness the regenerative properties. The new fountain of youth possibly?
Fruit-eating bats like to hang out in lighter places in the cave cuz they need to exit the cave in order to eat. The insect-eating bats like darker places cuz they can eat the creepy shit crawling around in the cave. Speaking of creepy shit, they have cave crickets, long-legged centipedes, spiny millipedes that have no eyes, cave racers (2.5 meter constrictor snakes that climb the wall and eat bats), and paechrus spiders.
There was one point in the tour that she had us turn off all our lights in the middle of the cave. It gave me the chills cuz it was blacker than my soul. Lol Twas freaky as fuck. I started thinking shit was crawling on me but it was probably just shit falling from the sky. The squeaky lil fuckers above me were not comforting. OMG, I heard things pinging off the ground. Ewwww
Lots of graffiti in the caves…
Next up I visited the Ramayana Cave – Suyambu Lingam. I think this cave is dedicated to all the different Hindu gods. There were a massive pile of figurines everywhere acting out various scenes. There was a cool-looking stairway to pretty much nowhere. Just a gated-off cave entrance and a giant stalactite that looks like a dong. And “lingam” means—phallus. So, yeah. It is a sacred dong. Why I can’t take a selfie with dong? Lame. The graffiti in this cave was even worse. I watched as some asswipe drew on it in front of me. WTF? Then a few seconds later I almost faceplant down some stairs. I caught myself. Yey, ninja skills!
‘Twas lazy as fuck today. But eventually got my shit together and scootered out to where Asraf works for one last lunch before I head out. Went to a local place and got some grilled catfish. Tried this green coconut desert that was weird looking but tasted alright.
Attempted to hit the skywalk before my flight but the wait was too long and if I left right then I would have only about an hour to get back before I had to catch an Uber. Dammit. Next time.
As I’m rolling back to the condo I get to hit the motorcycle side roads for the toll station, which is pretty cool. Anyone on a bike gets to go through the tolls for free! Many men scootering on the freeway were wearing their jacket backwards. I didn’t see a speed bump and ended up hitting it at speed. Last second I’m like, Oh shit and got into mountain-bike ready position like imma descend some gnarly shit! Nailed it.
I ordered an Uber. Took him 30 min to go a mile. He kept missing the turn. He asked me, “Where are your friends you travel?” I’m like, I don’t need friends to travel with, I make friends along the way. He’s like, “Oh, you independent?” And then he asked my age. He’s like, “Ooooh, I thought you were 18 or 19.” I’m like, I don’t wanna ever be 18 or 19 again. “Why you no want to travel with friends?” Cuz it’s easier to travel solo. I just realize there are no tuk tuks here. I asked why. Apparently, they are illegal.
I showed up to the airport with 30 minutes to get through security. Yey. Thanks, Mr Uber driver and shitty traffic. I try to head to my plane with a digital boarding pass. They won’t let me in. Fuck. Now I have 20 minutes to get through. Ticket security was insanely fast.
Stop off at toilet cuz baby bird bladder is bitching. Hear something that sounds like gunshots the floor above me as I sit on the glorious throne. I flash back to earlier today when Asraf and his friend were telling me about some North Korean leader getting murdered at this airport the week earlier by a suspected spy. I exit shitter. It musta been nothing cuz no one was running or screaming. Maybe the sewage sounds like gunfire when you flush. Super awesome. I continue my jog towards my gate. Luckily I’m only gate 5 and not 21, which is a fucking mile away! Make it just in time to marinate in my sweat for a few minutes, funsies! We boarded and then the flight was delayed 20 minutes. I ran like a penguin with my luggage bouncing around for nothing. I earned a donut, right? Where are the donuts?!
Fun fact. We as Americans make 6-20x more than what Malaysians make. For example, what I make in an hour is about how much a Malaysian senior architect makes in one day. I found that baffling.