Warning: This post may not be suitable for children, humorless trolls, or my mother.
The following is a series of mini-blogs from my bike tour down the coast as I encounter crackheads, Airbnb’s from hell, client drama, duschedicks, a one-legged sparrow, fairylands, thigh sized burritos, an awkward birthday song, Huntchy McHuntcherson, terrorizing bridges from hell, Old Man River, my resting bitch face, and suicide.
Nov. 5, 2016
The past 2 weeks have been hell trying to hunt down a 10-speed long cage derailleur. I procrastinated like a dumbass on getting a derailleur for my bike which I needed to actually make it up hills on a fully loaded bike. Apparently, the derailleur I was looking for was obsolete. Found a mountain bike derailleur and had it installed yesterday and then booked my flight that evening. Nothing like last minute BS.
Tip: Don’t wait unil last minute to buy parts for your bike.
I’ve always wondered what people do with the boxes for a one-way bike trip. Apparently, you just leave the box by the garbage can. Putting the bike back together was less painful than taking it apart. Last night I couldn’t get the damn pedals off for 30 minutes…ended up jumping up and down on the pedal wrench. Thank ya bike shop for not greasing it up.
Riding through San Fransisco at sunset felt like I was on the set of the Walking Dead. So many crackheads shuffling about mumbling like zombies.
Nov. 6, 2016
Today I went to meet a potential client for an app design project. It was uphill for a mile, both ways. The hostel I was staying at was located in a creepy alley in the financial district.
Nov. 7, 2016
Explored SF by bike and visited the Wharf and Golden Gate Bridge.
After exploring SF by bike today I decided to haul it up two flights of stairs instead of using their bike locker. Now bike is locked to the radiator and u-locked to itself inside my hostel room in SF. It feels safer if I’m sleeping next to it like I do at home. Haha. It’s been about 10 years since I’ve been in a hostel. So far my roommates are so quiet I forget they are there. I swear that one of them lives in their cubby and only comes out for food n shit. I’m probably obnoxious tapping away on my computer for hours.
Nov. 8, 2016
I walked through crackhead city to REI cuz I needed a shirt and some supplements. Should have frolicked on my bike…
Then worked on making phat stacks the rest of the day.
Nov. 9, 2016
San Fransisco to Sunnyvale
Today I started my trek south towards Mexico. It was pretty flat n chill…
I had a potential new client that called me about a project that he needed emergency help on and it had to be done in 2 hours. Not too jazzed about that and already a red flag for a potential hell client. So I stopped for 90 minutes to work. I froze my ass off while sitting outside in sweaty gear trying to work.
I procrastinated way too long in booking my place for the night in Silicon Valley cuz I didn’t know how far I would get. I ended up finding a cheap Airbnb with no reviews but the photos looked good. I needed a place now, so I booked it. I showed up and walked through the door and my heart sunk. It looked like an Airbnb factory. They were cramming humans in crevices all over the place. The main house living room was converted into a cubicle/cell type living situation. Super depressing looking. I was like fuck, I hope that’s not where I’m staying, it looks nothing like the photos! I’m sure the closets were converted into rooms as well. Every spare inch had a human living in it. There was another building in the back that was converted into a “hostel”. That’s where my room was. Luckily I had my own room and bathroom, but that’s where the good news ended. It turned out to be a crusty mofo. Massive wad of hair in the tub, used shaver and moldy towel under the sink, empty toilet paper rolls thrown about, and didn’t look like it was cleaned in weeks. The bed was soo lopsided that it felt like a Jabba the Hutt slept in it for years. Gross.
Tip: Don’t book zero star Airbnb’s cuz its prolly a shithole. And maybe don’t wait until its dark to find a place.
Nov. 10, 2016
Sunnyvale to Santa Cruz
Today started off on a special note. Splattered my chai latte all over the ground as I was rolling past Apple Headquarters.
Google maps took me on a few miles of fun singletrack that ended on an almost vertical gravel road and hike a bike. Then I entered the Santa Cruz forest and climbed for what seemed like forever. Ran outa water but loved the cold forest! Smelled soo fresh! The dirt was perfect for mountain biking and wish I had some knobby tires. The descent down the mountain was amazeballs! Purdiest forest I have road biked through.
Nov. 11, 2016
Santa Cruz to Salinas
I slept 6 hrs and woke up without an alarm somehow. Never happens. My brain must have known my phone was blowing up with client shiz even though it was on silent. Work work work work work.
My first adventure of the day was the post office. I wanted to ship some shit home that I don’t need. Mostly a U-Lock which was essential for SF and extra tools I no longer needed…I wanted to fly faster. Showed up to find out it was a holiday. Yey. But hey I got to listen to people singing “God bless Santa Cruz” sung to the tune of “God bless America” by a bunch of veterans holding flags across the street. That was oddly entertaining.
Today I was fueled by a box-o-crackers a log-o-lard(goat cheese) from trader hoes. I hadn’t pumped my tires since I left San Fran…cuz umm I be lazy. Only lost 5psi though! Ha, I win!
The ride was fairly flat and mostly through farmland. I had a few conversations with farm animals as I passed by to entertain myself. I couldn’t understand their dialect. But I’m sure there said “sup human”. Lol. About 1/4 of the miles was on windy back roads with no shoulder. Encountered one duschedick who tried to run me off the road. I gave him a joyous fuck you finger. He was in one of those big wheeled redneck trucks…makes sense. Lol
Today I discovered that I like to wear all black cuz it matches my soul. But I look fresh even if I smell homeless which helps keep the creepers away.
When I arrived, I met a friend in Salinas. We ate sushi in Monterey. Nom nom.
Nov. 12–13, 2016
Rest/work days. No touchy da bike. Walked some. Ate food. Worked and then worked some more. Posted shit on instacrack. Watched the Kardashian’s on tv. IQ dropped 50 pts.
Nov. 14, 2016
Salinas to Big Sur
Dropped 5.92 lbs. of junk in my trunk off at the post office. Felt super light, tried jumping a speed bump, got zero air and looked like a dumbass.
Big Sur felt like I was frolicking through a fairyland or Scotland? Absolutely loved the crispy fresh mountain air or was that sea air? Is it a mountain when I can walk to the beach? Whatevs, it was dope. The sea was emerald blue with super white choppy waves and fog everywhere. I couldn’t stop staring at it. Almost rolled off a cliff staring at the purdiness. Slammed on me brakes. I live another day.
Had another oh shit moment when a dense fog rolled in. Should I ride and risk getting rear ended? Fuck it. Ride faster. Lol
When I landed at my destination I ate a burrito the size of my thigh. It was amazeballs.
Camped in a yurt or a tent. Basically glamping. Need to practice my fire starting skills in a damp climate. Used a whole book of matches trying to start with found shit. Then I cheated and used a newspaper cuz I wanted some damn s’mores.
Slept 11 hours.
Nov. 15, 2016
Big Sur to Cambria
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I gawked at the wispy feather like plants that were everywhere. They sparkled as the sun shown through them and reminded me of sparklers.
No cell service yesterday and most of today. Barely noticed as the views were more entertaining.
Met 2 British bike tourers coming from Mexico going to San Fransisco. I think they were averaging 100 miles a day. #badass
There was one Asshat who chucked shit at me as he drove by. Who doesn’t love being assaulted while biking? I think he was jelly. I was half expecting to see him on the side of the road with a flat tire or something. #karma
My “mental game” level was strong today. Douchedicks and Asshats ain’t stopping me!
I noticed vehicles travel in drones, usually stuck behind someone not going the speed of insanity. I can tell the type of vehicle coming by the sound of the engine. Douchedicks make a certain sound as they approach and usually increase their speed. I will move the fuck over when I hear that shit coming. I win…most of the time.
I tried farting while going up hill to see if I’d go faster. Didn’t do shit. Hehe, I puny.
I passed 5 bikers in the last 20 miles going 20–25mph. One biker didn’t like that I passed him and challenged me to a race-off for the last 10 miles. I didn’t feel tired yet so I kicked it up a notch to a lactic threshold sprint and destroyed him. But I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Nov. 16, 2016
Cambria to San Luis Obispo
I can walk today…barely. I had difficulties rolling over speed bumps. Dem hills were too big.
SLO was my destination and SLO was how I rolled today. My mental game took a nap so I woke it up with a can of Mt Dew chemicals. Wake up bitch. Lol
I passed a disemboweled skunk. Gaged from smell then double gaged when I looked at the intestines dangling all over the place.
My neck, my back, my shoulders, my ass. Isn’t that a song or something? Words may be a lil off. Pretty much describes my ride today. Had to stop every 30 minutes cuz my shoulders kept cramping up. If I didn’t look like the huntchback of Norte Dame before this trip. I do now! Taking a rest day tomorrow.
I rewarded myself with a big ass cream puff at the local bakery. #phattycakes
Nov. 17, 2016
Today I biked a massive 3.4 miles to a friend of a friends place who usually hosts touring cyclists on warmshowers.com. It’s a free place for the night and so far I’m still alive. Haha
I didn’t know it was my birfdae until I got a calendar notification telling me I aged another year. yey. But at least I am about half way on muh birfdae to Mexico. Woohoo!
Sooo…after my awkward birthday song, I stuffed my face with unnecessary delicious calories. I then proceeded to roll home like the blueberry girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
The rest of the day I just stared at devices in lethargic zombie-like fashion. I think I fell asleep staring at social media shwizzel and possibly drooled on my phone. I can’t remember, I could barely function. It took me 9 hours to remember caffeine existed. Then I stumbled to Starbucks and 1/2 my brain came back online so I could function enough to do some work and procrastinate by writing this! Yey!
Tomorrow imma attempt the 112 miles to Santa Barbara…and if I make it, I will probaly sleep for two days straight.
Nov. 18, 2016
San Luis Obispo to Santa Barbara
Holy fuckballs. Today was the hardest day on the bike I’ve ever had and the longest solo ride I’ve ever done. But at least the day started out good. My Warm Showers host made me banana pancakes! They were amazeballs!
Huntchy McHunchetson was not having a good day. After an hour of riding, a bunch of lil devil gnomes stabbed Huntchy in the shoulders with needles sometimes an icepick for 10 hours straight.
The views were an unimpressive brown grass most of the day. I got to see a few miles of vineyards and then back to boringness then darkness. So I couldn’t even distract Hunchy cuz there was no beautiful shit to look at!
The true excitement started when I entered the 101 freeway. I realized as the sun started disappearing that imma have to ride this shit at night. Damn turtle legs. Luckily I had a mostly charged 700 lumens light with me cuz most the freeway shoulder was pitch black. It was a game of chance for 4 hours…will the damn thing lasted long enough for me to get off the freeway or will I have to sit on the side of the road shivering my ass off trying to charge the light with my Mophie.
The shoulder was about 3–5 feet wide 99% of the time. Then there were these lil surprises I named “Terrorizing Bridges from Hell” with a shoulder of maybe a foot. At one point there were 5 of them in a fucking row with cars whizzing by me with inches to spare in the darkness. Almost died twice when a semi was coming up on my tail and I barely got off the bridge just in time. If I was a second slower he would have smeared me cuz he didn’t slow down or give a fuck about moving over. There was a long ass bridge that had a sign saying “When flashing, biker on bridge”. That did stop 3 douchedicks from trying to pass another car and honking at me cuz they almost hit me. Yes, blame the biker trying to survive cuz your impatient stupid ass didn’t see the massive 20′ blinky sign to slow the fuck down.
When I finally got off the freeway I was soo relieved. And I thought the adventures were over with. Well, it’s Friday night and google maps sent me to party town USA complete with frat house parties and drunk people flowing through the streets.
Then google maps decided to give me a cognitive test, that included maze through UCSB that went something like this…. Slight left, turn right at the roundabout, construction bike path, detour, made my own path, turn right at the intersection with 4 other bike path options, left, right, straight, roundabout, ahhhhhh! Fuck this shit, I want the long way around campus!
My light lasted on the freeway and turned red (will die any minute) the last couple miles to my destination.
Finally arrived and completed the 111.5 miles of pure bliss.
A friend of mine who is a Warm Showers host, Mike, made me a meal for me when I arrived. ’Twas amazing cuz I had no energy to walk to the nearest food place to stuff my face. He told me stories of truly epic bikers he has hosted over the years and their adventures. My craptastic adventure sounds like a vacation compared to some of their adventures!
Nov. 19–20, 2016
I hung out in Santa Barbara for a few days recovering from my biggest ride in years. Mike let me crash in one of his spare rooms. There were 4 other bike touring peeps crashing in their tents in the back yard.
After my century+ ride, Training Peaks was telling me to take a vacation for at least a week. Mmmm Hawaii? But I ignored him cuz I’m on a mission and got shit to do and places to be, like my own damn bed in LA tomorrow!
Nov. 21, 2016
Santa Barbara to Los Angeles
If felt weird riding roads/paths I was familiar with. I met a solo Canadian chick who was riding from Vancouver to SD. We rode together most of the way and chatted about bike shit and traveling adventures. Apparently, there’s a lot of Canadians escaping the cold ass winter and riding down the coast right now. I don’t blame them. I ran away from the Midwest for that reason and shit pay. Lol. The Canadians are all following the same book and leapfrogging each other down the coast going about 50 miles a day.
I finally arrive home in LA and super excited for my fluffy amazing bed from heaven! Haha. I’m glad I get to stop at my own place on my way to Mexico!
It’s shedding season for my cat and when I got home last night she had covered my house with more hair than I’ve ever seen. Gross. My cat also loves chewing on zip lock bags. Well, a bunch of my gear from the trip was stored in zip locks and dumped on the floor next to my bed. She sat there for hours chewing on them, waking me up in the middle of the night. Thanks cat.
Nov. 25, 2016
Los Angeles to Dana Point
Procrastination (leaving at 11 am) + fall daylight savings = craptastic adventures in the dark.
I almost got taken out by a surfer carrying his board swinging it around looking lost while walking in a zigzag in the bike lane. He musta been stoned cuz I said hey! And it took home 5 seconds to respond and then got an “uhh sorry”.
I giggled when I passed a biker lady in Huntington Beach who asked the dude next to her … we gata go up that? ‘’Twas maybe 10′ and slightly up hill.
Old Man River didn’t like that I passed him on my jaunt through OC’s sea of bike paths. He decided to say something… “It’s always good to tell someone you’re passing them”. I wanted to say “thanks mom, it’s always good to ride on the right side of the phat white line on a two-lane bike path cuz I had to swerve around you” but I shut muh pie hole. I want pie now! Cherry pie! Pretty sure that if I was a dude, he wouldn’t have said such lameness to me.
Lots of Christmas trees were flying by on cars. Why don’t people use lemon trees in a pot as their xmas tree? It already includes the ornaments and then you can eat them! #environmentalshit
Gps fail. Damn thing kept telling me to take the road on the other side of the tracks. There was no way to get there! Fuck it, take kidnap trail that paralleled the train tracks until I find an intersecting road. Was a perfect location to get mugged. My resting bitch face scared everything away. I lived.
Campsite map fail: Ranger gave me a map, I rolled around a massive parking lot for 10 minutes looking for numbers on the pavement. He said they are visible. Wtf. There are campers here. Why can’t I find the gawd damn numbers? I go back for explanation number two. That’s was a parking lot and those campers are “the homeless” as the ranger put it and they will be kicked out at 10 pm. I was supposed to go over a bridge and through the woods to my plot-o-land for $6.
Mattress fail. Why am I pumping forever and nothing is happening?
Tip: Make sure to check the other end for an open valve. #genius
Yey, I got the campsite right next to the train tracks. Hello Amtrack. Should I wave with my middle finger?
Nov. 26, 2016
Dana Point to Oceanside
Slept like shit and froze half the night. I wore two jackets two pairs of socks, a biker headband, biker gloves, pants and then shorts over my pants cuz my ass was getting numb. I was a sexy beast.
There’s nothing quite like waking up, looking out the tent and not seeing your bike there. After a mini heart attack. You then realize wrong side of the tent, dumbass.
I got up and packed my shit to get ready for another day of pedaling. Went to the shower to find out they required a token which I didn’t feel like getting cuz the ranger station was a mile back or felt like it at least.
I chucked some seagulls pieces of muffin cuz I thought I could get a kool in-flight photo. They thanked me my shitting on my bag.
Right out the gate google said… climb this bitch ass hoe, stairway to hell, up and over the highway. Ever tried to carry 50lbs of awkward up a few flights then back down a few more?
Missed the bike path ended up on the freeway. Some runner looked at me weird as I was coming back up the on ramp. A few miles later google wanted to award me with some actual I5 freeway riding. Too lazy to argue. Just ride that shit.
Rain clouds loomed near wanting to destroy my computer but I win cuz I got an Airbnb and only ended up with 5 minutes of rain. Yey!
Nov. 27, 2016
Oceanside to @TheNinjaPatty’s House (Carmel Valley)
Rain threatened me the whole day but only got a gentle glistening. Similar to what they do to models before a photo shoot? Yaaaas!
I stopped to take a photo of more beach shit cuz you can never have enough of dem photos. Plus there were dark rain clouds. We see those about as often as we see Bigfoot. I was setting up for an epic shot and then muh phone randomly shuts off like a lil bitch and I get the Apple logo of death. Wtf, I had an award winning photo lined up. Guess I’ll never know how famous I could have been.
@TheNinjaPatty invited me to stay at her awesome place! She’s on my mtb team, #teamninja. She even had some ninja swords in the room I stayed in. I think she wanted me to practice my ninja skills or something. #fail
Mark, her husband gave me a mini chiro session and fixed my lopsided mess. Yey! He was stoked I was coming cuz it meant dessert for him! Haha. Patty made some amazeballs fruit cheesecake that I named the Bitchin’ Berry Pie! I could eat a whole one by myself. #phattycakes
Patty’s friend Sara came over to hang n eat as well! They discussed their MTB dating cult or app they wanted to start. Patty would be the matchmaker. Sara I’m assuming would be a test subject? I just giggled at the silliness.
I gave Patty an instacrack how-to! She’s now a #technoweenie
Nov. 28, 2016
Carmel Valley to Otay, Mexico
I woke up at 4am cuz I have magical sensing abilities when client shit hits the fan. Spent an hour defusing client shit. I saved the world from disaster.
Went back to sleep and had a dream about stabbing someone in the arm who tried to steal my bike. Woke up to the alarm. Snoozed that fucker more times then I’d like to share. Then was gifted with a cold, probably by the rain gods. I’m guessing they’re mad they didn’t soak my ass yesterday. Sneezed all morning. Literally sneezed 10x in a row. I’m giving myself a gold star for that. Sinus feels like lil elephants dancing on my face. Yey, let’s bike to Mexico!
Muh resting bitch face was in full bloom. Prolly could delete the resting part. I just had a bitchy face. Might even be epic status.
Google wanted to test my patients and sent me to this muddy clay trail from the depths of hell. Was not bike-able. Was not hike-able. I walk a foot forward and slide 11 inches back. Took me 10 min to get up the first master disaster. Then realized that when hit a fucking dead end that it was the other longer hell hill on the other side… and it was even steeper. Fuck me. That one took me 20 minutes and I panted like an old wheezing dog. Then when I got to the top I was smacked in the face buy mud for miles as it flew off my bike.
I rode through a park and a herd of stroller moms…like 10 of them were coming at me. I fled.
My landlord messaged me as I’m about to roll into Mexico that there’s water leaking into the neighbor’s garage from my apartment. Hopefully I’m not coming home to a water bed. If so, I’m moving into my sprinter van tonight and that bed is comfier anyways!
As I approached the Mexican border, there were zero authorities looking at passports. I’ve never encountered a border crossing where they give zero fucks about people coming into their country. Just walk in like you own the place and so I did with a phat smile on muh face. Yah baby!
The first thing I saw when I crossed the border was a cafe/coffee shop and I was like ooo I hope they have chai lattes! They did! Tacos can wait until next time! I couldn’t stay long in Mexico. I had to catch the train that I booked for 6:50 pm. So in an attempt to save time, I tried riding and drinking my shiz. We know how last time went in front of the Apple headquarters. Lol. I was doing fine until some kids ran in front of me and I rolled off a curb to miss them. Spilled “my precious” all over my hand and leg. Managed to keep most of it in the cup though and stay on my bike! #winning The humans in their cars trying to get back to the US giggled at me. You’re welcome for the entertainment.
Getting back over the US border was like waiting in the TSA line at the airport. Except they had doggies. I like doggies. Doggies are fun. But this doggy was super amped up. Didn’t care bout me. I got rejected by a dog. He sniffing everything and paced back and forth like the crackheads I saw in San Fran. Slightly ironic seeing he was sniffing for drugs.
Then all of a sudden he shot out and made a b-line for someone in line. Glad I’m not that poor sucker. Haha. Don’t try to bring drugs over kids, stupid idea.
The second I crossed back over the border, the gods started crying on me…the whole way back to the trolley…for all 15 miles. Then I sat on the trolley in wet clothes for 30 minutes to catch the Amtrak.
And then this happens…
Out of all the possible ways for my trip to come to an end. I would never have thought I’d hear someone’s life halted underneath me as I ride the train home. I was in the front car and the eerie sound of crunching still echoes in my head. This has forced me to reflect on my trip, own life and that I am grateful to be able to continue my crazy adventures.
Tip: Life is short. Don’t wait for the “right time” to do that epic trip you’ve always wanted to do. Make it happen, tomorrow may never be.
My training before the trip was sub-par. And by sub-par I mean pretty much nonexistent. Many of the Canadian’s I met along the way did almost no training and were able to make it down the whole west cost! Basically, we all had the same plan, ride into shape.
Training for the past year. Large dip was my lack of training. I was riding maybe once a week. The massive spike at the end is the 111.5 mile ride from SLO to Santa Barbara.
I made excuses for years as to why I can’t do a bike tour…mostly I thought I needed epic fitness. Eventually, I said fuck it, imma pack my computer, work when I need to work and bike when I don’t feel like shit.
Once I started, I felt more motivated to ride my bike than I ever have in my life. I felt truly happy riding my bike.
To keep myself entertained while on the bike, I counted the roadkill and made a silly Roadkill Graveyard infographic if it…
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